Nicole
This past week has been extremely interesting for me. It made me realize something that has been creeping up on me for a while. I don’t want to be Nicole Sheridan anymore!
For those that don’t know, Nicole Sheridan is the name that I have used for the past 9 years while performing in adult movies. It has also become the character I have played at autograph signings, in interviews, at conventions, etc. I say character because that is really what it is. I remember giving my first interview after signing a contract with an adult production company and answering all the questions the way that I thought guys would want them answered, “be the fantasy,” kept echoing through my head. At autograph signings, I downplayed my intelligence, and acted the way I thought a “porn star” was supposed to act. It was fun for a while, I got to be someone completely different for that day. And, like a typical twenty something woman sufferring from self esteem issues regarding my looks and body, having professional hair and makeup done and having fans tell me how beautiful I was definitely didn’t suck. On the other hand, being judged for what I did and not who I was DID.
I don’t regret my time in the business, I just feel that it is time to move on. I can’t pretend to be someone I’m not anymore. I’m not Nicole. I don’t like anal sex. I do love giving blowjobs. The way I like to have sex isn’t like the way I have performed on camera. I will have casual sex with women in my personal life, but not men. If you are a man and I am going to be with you, I need to feel some sort of connection to you. I’ve only kissed three people in my entire life that I enjoyed kissing. I don’t mind answering questions about the business, but people should expect an honest answer… an answer they may not be expecting. At least 50% of everything I have ever said in interviews regarding myself is probably untrue.
I think that this all came about as the result of a combination of things. First, I have been slowly withdrawing from the business anyway because it is changing so much. Second, honesty has become so important to me and I have become so honest that it has become emotionally exhausting to have to pretend to be someone else. Third, I have never felt pretty or sexy as Mel. Whenever I got looks or compliments, it was always when I was I was working…being Nicole. In the past year I have realized that this isn’t healthy.
I still think I would melt if someone told me I was beautiful while hanging out in jeans and a t shirt with no makeup on, but I don’t need that. I know that I am becoming a beautiful person inside and I’d much rather have that than external beauty. When people ask, “What’s Mel like?” I would love it if the first thing people would say, would be “she’s a cool chick” or even “she’s a big dork” but I just don’t want it to be, “she’s a porn star.”
Mel
BECAUSE, I’M SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT! I like me and I want to be me and I want people to like or dislike me, not someone I’m pretending to be.
Hmmm….
Doing interviews for Adultmaven.com, Diamond Couture and I have always tried (and we get criticized for this horribly) to show that porn stars are more than their job and more than who they appear to be on screen. I have talked to a number of adult performers (outside of the interviews) and found most of them to be very well spoken, educated, and smart. For the life of me I do not understand why people expect porn stars, or anyone for that matter, to be a certain way and get disappointed when someone doesn’t live up to their expectations. Who says a porn star can’t be smart? I have talked to several with degrees who have gone into porn because it pays better than the corporate world they prepared themselves for or because it gives them a certain freedom they don’t have in that world or for whatever other reason. Not one of them has told me they regretted the decision to go into porn. Maybe there is some truth to porn objectifying people, I don’t know. I tend to think it’s more that people are really that superficial and self-centered and don’t really care about anything or anyone outside of their personal bubble. If something goes against how they set it up in their personal reality they can’t accept it, don’t have time for it, and don’t want to take the time to get to understand why it really is that way and their perception is wrong.
I still think you are an beautiful awesome person no matter what. I think you and your husband make a awesome couple and you are the only couple i watch mainly because i think its your chemistry you guys really look great together. Voodoo has that loving look in his eyes (gorgeous eyes at that) when he looks at you that he really loves you, you don’t see that with other pornstars. I think as a couple you rock and i hope you enjoy being Mel now and i think you are still a beautiful person inside and out , with or without makeup on. Voodoo is an absolute babe and together you are awesome.
Hi Nicole,
It is always good to evolve and live an authentic life. The most important thing in life is to be happy. Making these changes are great, I applaud you for having the courage to move forward and do something different.
Take Care,
Kelli