Change October 29, 2008

Sometimes, people go on a journey together and that journey reaches a destination.  The destination may or may not be what each wanted, but it is a destination.  These people may walk away from each other with memories of this journey and never speak again.  Or, they may embark on a new and different journey with a different destination.  Some of these journeys take years, even decades and some, mere days.  We may only embark on a single journey with a given individual or experience a lifetime of them.

I believe that, often times, people are brought into our lives or those already in our lives change roles for a reason… to lead or accompany us on a journey.  I find myself at a crossroads where a number of journeys are ending and a few are just beginning (mostly facilitated through the ending of others).  I haven’t found myself in a position like this since I moved to California 10 years ago.  There aren’t many things that I am “in the middle of.”  In some ways, this makes me sad, but I can mourn for these journeys that have reached an unsatisfactory destination and celebrate those that have come to a positive conclusion.  I can also look to the future with hope.

I’m a Mommy (again) October 29, 2008

Argus

OK, before you start thinking the wrong thing, I’m a PUPPY MOMMY again.  Last Tuesday, I picked up a 9 week old English Bulldog from a breeder in San Diego.  He went for an entire day without a name as I wanted to get it just right.  I have 3 other dogs and I had names picked out for 2 of them that I ended up changing after getting them and observing their personalities and I didn’t want to do the same thing this time.

After many hours of observing him, I decided on Argus.  It has both Greek and Scandinavian derivations and means vigilant one as well as bright, shining one.  In Greek mythology, Argus had 100 eyes that became the spots on a peacock’s feathers.  Argus is also the brand name of a device on a parachute that should you become incapacitated or lose consciousness in freefall (or like a dumb-ass, lose altitude awareness), will deploy your reserve parachute for you automatically.

Argus is definitely a bulldog through and through.  He is sweet and loving, yet stubborn as can be.  He is extremely smart and already knows sit, but getting him to walk on a leash has been quite the challenge.  Like any puppy, he wants to put everything in his mouth, including me. I’ve learned that for about an hour and a half in the evening, I need to keep a toy in my hand at all times and encourage him to chew on it or else he is trying to chew on me and those puppy teeth hurt.  He is starting to understand “no” but is selective in choosing when to heed it.  I am hoping that he learns from my other dogs and ends up being as trustworthy and well behaved as them.  I have a long year ahead of me with him and he may be more of a challenge than my French Bulldogs, but I don’t think he’ll be as challenging as my Pit.

I always go through some anxiety when I get a new dog.  I just want to do everything right and find a way to deal with any challenge that comes up.  My challenge for this week:  getting my body used to getting up every few hours to take Argus outside…..whew, am I tired! 

Goodbye Nicole October 6, 2008

Nicole

This past week has been extremely interesting for me.  It made me realize something that has been creeping up on me for a while.  I don’t want to be Nicole Sheridan anymore! 

For those that don’t know, Nicole Sheridan is the name that I have used for the past 9 years while performing in adult movies.  It has also become the character I have played at autograph signings, in interviews, at conventions, etc. I say character because that is really what it is.  I remember giving my first interview after signing a contract with an adult production company and answering all the questions the way that I thought guys would want them answered, “be the fantasy,” kept echoing through my head.  At autograph signings, I downplayed my intelligence, and acted the way I thought a “porn star” was supposed to act.  It was fun for a while, I got to be someone completely different for that day.  And, like a typical twenty something woman sufferring from self esteem issues regarding my looks and body, having professional hair and makeup done and having fans tell me how beautiful I was definitely didn’t suck.  On the other hand, being judged for what I did and not who I was DID.

I don’t regret my time in the business, I just feel that it is time to move on.  I can’t pretend to be someone I’m not anymore. I’m not Nicole.  I don’t like anal sex.  I do love giving blowjobs.  The way I like to have sex isn’t like the way I have performed on camera.  I will have casual sex with women in my personal life, but not men.  If you are a man and I am going to be with you, I need to feel some sort of connection to you.  I’ve only kissed three people in my entire life that I enjoyed kissing.   I don’t mind answering questions about the business, but people should expect an honest answer… an answer they may not be expecting.  At least 50% of everything I have ever said in interviews regarding myself is probably untrue.

I think that this all came about as the result of a combination of things.  First, I have been slowly withdrawing from the business anyway because it is changing so much.  Second, honesty has become so important to me and I have become so honest that it has become emotionally exhausting to have to pretend to be someone else.  Third, I have never felt pretty or sexy as Mel.  Whenever I got looks or compliments, it was always when I was I was working…being Nicole.  In the past year I have realized that this isn’t healthy.

I still think I would melt if someone told me I was beautiful while hanging out in  jeans and a t shirt with no makeup on, but I don’t need that.  I know that I am becoming a beautiful person inside and I’d much rather have that than external beauty.  When people ask, “What’s Mel like?” I would love it if the first thing people would say, would be “she’s a cool chick” or even “she’s a big dork” but I just don’t want it to be, “she’s a porn star.”

Mel

BECAUSE, I’M SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT!  I like me and I want to be me and I want people to like or dislike me, not someone I’m pretending to be.