Disappointment September 29, 2008

I used to get worried when everything in my life seemed to be going really well and I was feeling really happy. I would worry myself sick over when it was all going to fall apart. Maybe I felt like I didn’t deserve it so it couldn’t last or maybe some of my mother’s pessimism just wore off on me. When bumps in the road occurred, I wasn’t surprised, I just dealt with them, already having prepared myself. As mentioned in other posts, this is something I’ve been successfully working on. Life always has test us though!

The past week has brought some serious disappointment. Disappointment with friends, loved ones, and myself. And because I have been so fully enjoying life, it hit me like a ton of bricks.

Feeling slightly overwhelmed, I broke everything down, dealing with one thing at a time. I realized that I can’t change anyone else, but I can express to them how their actions or lack thereof affect me. I can also choose not to make someone a priority when they make me an option. I can offer advice, but can’t take it to heart when it is ignored … everyone needs to do things in their own time. So far, so good. Now, on to me.

I am disappointed in myself for letting someone else’s negative energy affect my mood and for lying to myself about being able to handle a certain situation. The first is easy. I just need to be more aware when others are bringing me down and strong enough not to let it impact me. The second is a bit more difficult. I like to think that I am a pretty tough chick emotionally. Because of this, I sometimes put myself in situations that I know the tough girl I want to be could handle, but I’m not sure if I really can. I got into this one without even realizing it and I’m just not sure how to proceed. I’m not even sure what I want the end result to be.

Just the act of writing this down has helped and I’m looking forward to rainy Miami this week and the Chicks Rock Skydiving Boogie next weekend. Miserable Mel is going to sleep tonight, but Merry Mel is waking up tomorrow morning!

Removing Roadblocks September 23, 2008

Sometimes, life just doesn’t make any sense. Why have I detested raw tomatoes for years, but all of a sudden, I like and even crave them? Why have I gotten the workout bug after a year of not wanting to? Why do I find myself blasting Pantera while driving in the car? Why am I having such vivid dreams lately?

I have days where I feel like my senses are on such high alert, just feeling the sun on my face feels like hugging a dear friend. My usually keen intuition seems a bit stronger. I even had a semi-psychic experience about a loved one being in trouble. While I have always hated drama, I have found that my tolerance for it has become even lower. My new favorite phrase seems to be, “get over it.”

Maybe some of the mental roadblocks I erected in the past are starting to crumble. Like dominoes, one triggers the next. I just have to wonder what caused the first one to fall. I do know one thing though… I am loving it!

Perfect Speed September 22, 2008

There is a passage in Richard Bach’s “Jonathan Livingston Seagull” that applies to skydiving so well:

Heaven is being perfect…you will begin to touch heaven…in the moment that you touch perfect speed.  And that isn’t flying a thousand miles an hour, or a million, or flying at the speed of light.  Because any number is a limit, and perfection doesn’t have limits.  Perfect speed…is being there.

Moments September 18, 2008

I think that sometimes we forget to take time out of the journey that is life and live in and appreciate single moments. 

Finding a balance between always living in the moment and constantly living for the future can be tricky.  I have always tended to the side of living for the future, sometimes neglecting to appreciate or even notice those seconds, minutes or hours in time that slipped by as I worried or dreamt about what was to come tomorrow, next month, or next year.  I’m not sure when it started, but I have recently noticed that this is changing.  I am better able to enjoy individual moments for what they are without analyzing each one to death.  As a result of this, I am also better able to remember details of those moments.  This is important to me because if your life truly flashes in front of your eyes before you die, I want them to be as fresh in my mind as they were when they occurred.

My sister’s wedding September 10, 2008

Wednesday: garbage day, the gardener comes, the pool guy comes, and oh yeah, I have to call my sister and tell her I’m not coming to her wedding.

When she announced that she was getting married, I was thrilled for her. When she decided to have a destination wedding in Mexico, I was even more excited. I would get to be a part of my sister’s special day and get a vacation on the Mayan Riviera, my favorite part of Mexico, at the same time.

When my mom asked me to be civil if my father tried to talk to me, it gave me a moment’s pause. He has pretty much been dead to me for the past 13 years so it hadn’t even crossed my mind that he would be there (maybe I’ll explain my reasons in another post if only to let others dealing with the same thing know that they aren’t alone). After considering this, I honestly felt OK about it. If approached, I would simply tell him that it was my sister’s moment and not the time to bring up the past. Confident that I could be strong and avoid drama at all costs, I looked forward to the wedding and even to the psychological hurdle of seeing my father face to face again.

Living my life as I usually do for the next couple of weeks, I began to realize that maybe there were some other possible landmines that I hadn’t even considered. The first one being all of the secrets I have been asked to keep. “Don’t tell your grandma that you own a pitbull. She will give herself a heart attack worrying that it will turn on you and kill you.” ” Don’t tell your aunt that you skydive. I’ll never hear the end of it.” “Dont tell any of my friends that you have done adult movies. It would embarass me.”

How was I supposed to get through 4 days at a resort without talking about my dogs, skydiving, or the job I have done for the past 10 years? If there is one thing that my moral Geiger counter jumps on, it is lying. I hate liars and I hate lying even more. After realizing how much lying I was going to have to do just to keep my mother happy, my sister’s friends comfortable, and my older relatives alive, I really started to stress. I talked to my mom about it and came to the conclusion that I could suck it up for 4 days and just be there for my sis. Unfortunately, I would probably need a vacation to unwind from this one and to just be me again after pretending to be someone else.

Then, it hit me. Whether I like it or not, people recognize me. I am frequently approached for autographs and pictures. And for some reason, I seem to be even more recognizable in Latin America. Fans are usually very nice and extremely respectful, but it would be pretty difficult to explain to my sister’s in-laws-to-be why this stranger is calling me Nicole and asking if he can take a photo with me while telling me that he loved me in “A Sex Oddessy.” I wish I could guarantee that this situation wouldn’t occur, but I have to be realistic.

A girl’s wedding day is supposed to be the one day where all eyes and ears are on her, a day to be treated like a princess. The possible drama snowball that could start rolling from my simply being there could steamroll that for her.

I hope that I am making the right decision. My gut tells me I am. But, more importantly, I really hope she understands.

Energy September 8, 2008

Have you ever questioned whether something was a weakness or a strength, a burden or a gift?  I have been struggling for a long time with the effect that other’s energy has on me. 

I think I really started questioning it about 9 years ago.  Shortly after moving to LA, I met a girl and became quick friends.  She was one of those people who would do anything for you.  About a year into our friendship, I noticed that whenever we would talk or hang out, even if we did something enjoyable, I just felt “off.”  I couldn’t really put my finger on it. I felt like a completely ungrateful bitch when she went out of her way for me a few times and I just couldn’t make myself feel love for her.

This ate at me to the point that I needed to figure it out.  I soon realized that even though she was doing all of these kind things for others, she really wasn’t being kind to herself.  She took everything as a personal affront and would fixate on the negative often times wallowing in it to the point that I thought anger and negativity gave her purpose.  I tried to make excuses for this knowing that she had experienced an extremely difficult life with numerous health and financial problems.  I felt guilt when I would ignore her phone calls or make excuses to cut our time spent together short.  I also felt personal weakness that I couldn’t just ignore it and focus on the good things that she did. 

One day, while having a fairly heated discussion,  I realized that all of the advice I was giving her was applicable to our friendship:  sometimes you have to put yourself and your emotional well-being first; sometimes there is no way to avoid hurting someone else; sometimes, you need to fight for something and sometimes you just need to walk away.  That conversation was not only a defining moment in our friendship, but also in my life.

I realized that the way that a person’s energy affects me often times has nothing to do with whether I like them or not.  Looking at the people I am surrounded with now, I see that my true friends, the ones that I truly love, are those that I like enough to have grown close to, but also from our first meeting have had an energy compatible with my own.  It’s funny because there are people that I like, but could never love because their energy just isn’t right for me and there are those that I actually don’t like, but I can still appreciate their energy and feel good around them. 

Weaning out the bad energy (bad for me that is), has made me so much happier and balanced.  Unfortunately, we can’t always choose who we have contact with on a daily basis and I still find myself getting pulled into occasional “black clouds,” but being more aware of it makes it easier to deal with.  I have also decided to be more proactive in getting to know those whose energy feels so compatible with my own.  I guess that really looking at it, I feel blessed just to have figured it out!

Skydiving September 5, 2008

I went skydiving on my 30th birthday.  On the hour and 15 minute ride to the dropzone, I remember wondering what it was going to be like.  Would my stomach drop like on a roller coaster, would I feel acceleration as I hurtled toward the ground, would I be able to breathe with the air rushing at my face?  I wouldn’t say I was nervous, the thought of getting hurt or dying never even crossed my mind, but I was feeling some anxiety.  It was the anxiety that goes along with experiencing something new, a perfect combination of anticipation, hesitation, excitement, and resolve.

Fast forward three years:  skydiving is my drug!  Like a junkie, it started out as a rush and a thrill, and now I need it.  I am sitting here laughing at myself and thinking about how easy it is for me to talk about life and love, yet am having a difficult time putting my feelings about skydiving into words.  Though it has been in my life for three years, it still feels like a new love that I just want to keep to myself a bit longer.

Like life, skydiving has given me so much pleasure along with a healthy dose of pain.  I have seen people experience a sort of awakening or rebirth when introduced to the sport and I have also seen friends and fellow jumpers injured and even killed.  Empowering and humbling me like nothing else, it has made my heart race to the point that I felt it would burst out of my chest (skydiver note:  YOU try looking at your altimeter at a little under a grand with nothing out) and it has also slowed my heart as if in a deep meditation.  It has made me a lifelong teacher and a lifelong student.  It has introduced me to an astounding variety of people.

My mom asked me what a jump felt like.  I told her that a jump could feel like a party full of people dancing, a solitary walk in the park, a final exam you haven’t studied for, winning the lottery, a child taking it’s first steps, or like making love.   A jump can be intimate, anonymous, frustrating, fulfilling, peaceful, intense, meditative, or mindless.  You feel some jumps in your core while others are like out of body experiences.

Sky Junkie

While skydiving is not for everyone, it is for me.  It belongs to me and I will forever belong to it.

http://www.skydivetaft.com

Sarah Palin September 3, 2008

Sarah Palin was recently named by John McCain as his runnning mate in the upcoming presidential election.  When I first heard this, like many of you, I thought, “who is Sarah Palin?”  My second thought was, “good, he chose a woman.”  It made me feel good to think that history would be made in this election.  We would either come out with an African-American President or a female VP.

Then, I discovered that Sarah Palin is mother to 5 children ranging in ages from 5 months to 19 years and that her 5 month old is a special needs child, having been born with Down’s Syndrome.  I immediately became uneasy.  How is a woman with so much on her plate supposed to help run the country?  And, maybe more importantly, how is the VP of The United States of America supposed to have the time necessary to raise an infant with a serious medical condition?

I began to question myself: if Barak Obama had an infant child with Down’s Syndrome, would I be feeling the same way?  Were my feelings being influenced by the fact that Sarah Palin is a woman and not just a parent?  I honestly have to say that I don’t know the answer to either of these questions.

Love September 3, 2008

It is a word that is tossed around casually. It has many levels of meaning. You can love your mother, love your dog, and even love a nice big helping of homemade lasagna, but are these emotions really the same?

A pretty bad breakup at the age of 23 taught me that love alone will not sustain a relationship. It also taught me how important it is to love yourself and for your partner to do the same.

It is only in the past two years that I have really felt a deep love for friends. Growing up, I always had a best friend. While my sister was more of a social butterfly with a large circle of friends, I was more of a one best friend at a time kind of person. These friends were special to me, but I never felt a deep connection.

Maybe it is maturity, or more likely it is having found my soulmate who acts as a safe base for me, but I have found myself feeling connections on a more cosmic level. My friends were brought into my life for a reason or maybe I was brought into theirs. When I tell them that I love them, I mean it.

My husband and I share the most profound kind of love. We are connected in ways I never could have imagined. We also enjoy an open relationship which to some may seem contradictory. I have never felt the need to justify or explain it and those who are close to us just seem to inherently understand it.

Loving oneself is probably the easiest and hardest. I don’t know if it is more difficult to accept and love that which you cannot change or to change that which you cannot love. I still have alot of work to do, but if asked if I love myself, the answer would honestly be yes.

Love can be beautiful, painful, confusing, fulfilling, enlightening, terrifying, and liberating. The path to loving myself has allowed me to love others truly and honestly. I only wish someone had explained that to me when I was 18.

What Is A Grown Up September 2, 2008

Fat Little Me

I remember being a little girl and imagining what my life would be like when I grew up.  I was convinced that I would know everything by the time I was 30.  I would be strong, never scared, and have all the answers.  I also wanted to be a princess who could drive a dump truck and put out fires, all while wearing 6″ pumps and  a tiara!

At 33, I realize that my idea of “adulthood” has changed.  Being an adult is no longer a finite state, but rather a journey.  It means knowing when I don’t have the answers, being able to ask for help, putting myself in scary situations for the sake of personal growth, and learning to love me for me. 

I still don’t know exactly what I want to be when I “grow up.”  I’ve been everything from one of only about 15 recruiters in the US for a logistics company, to a fairly well-know adult and B-movie actress, to a published photographer.  Through this journey, I have found that doing the same thing every day is definitely not my thing.  Asking the same questions, giving the same answers, no opportunity for growth, nothing to learn, 9 to 5… that is basically my idea of purgatory.  The adult industry has been good to me.  It has given me financial stability, creative stimulation, and a flexible schedule.  However, the business is changing.  I’m no longer sure that, as a whole, it is a business that I am proud to be a part of.  I can’t remember the last time I picked up a camera (no not my iPhone) and shot for the pure pleasure of shooting.  Somehow, my brain has so tied that Canon to shooting what, who, where, and how I am told that the passion for the creative process has dulled.  I need to find that again.

I remember stressing over this seeming lack of direction, thinking that I was supposed to have it all figured out by now.  That was until I took a close look at some of the people who seem to have just that.  While they have all their ducks in a row with respect to their careers and investments, many of their personal lives seem, for lack of a better word, stunted.

Not knowing or liking who I am, not sharing laughter, not trusting and earning trust, not growing as a human, not constantly learning new things, not taking chances, not having crushes, not feeling pain, not ever feeling zen…these things scare me more than anything else.  I made a promise to myself today that no matter what is going on in other aspects of my life, (professional, family, financial, health), I will always take moments for me, I will strive to keep my mind and heart open, and I will live without regret.  Maybe I will be lucky enough to have an impact in the lives of others, but I have to realize that I can’t force that.

So, tomorrow, I wake up still feeling like a child in this big, bad world.  That is a good thing and it makes me very happy!