…I guess I’m the kind of girl who likes to get lost, just so she can find her way back home…
I really like this quote…… June 4, 2009
“It takes alot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But, there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous & exciting, for in movement, there is life, and in change, there is power.”
Alan Cohen
“the five people you meet in heaven” May 20, 2009
I just finished reading Mitch Albom’s book “the five people you meet in heaven” and it is the first book in a long time to make me cry.
I don’t know what happens to us after we die…maybe there is an afterlife, maybe we just cease to exist and that is it. I know that I don’t believe in the religious versions of Heaven and Hell, but I want to believe that just maybe this life is but one step along a journey that leads to something else.
The author has his own idea of what the afterlife may be… a place where your life on Earth is explained to you by five people who were in it, loved ones and strangers alike, who permanently altered your path. Each of these individuals, having gone through this process themselves, gets to choose where they want to wait for you. What they move on to after they play their role in your afterlife is not explained.
The love story aspect of the book is what got me crying, but it is something else altogether that kept me weeping so that I needed to lay the book down at one point.
This book belonged to a friend of mine who left the world of his own accord in early January. As I sat reading and thinking about what an appealing vision of heaven this was, I wondered if he had felt the same. Did that vision of heaven flash before him as he wrote the note? Was he at peace feeling that he was headed toward answers and understanding?
Maybe he never even got to reading it. Or, maybe he didn’t even find Albom’s idea to be appealing or possible. But, I can’t stop wondering how it affected him knowing now the relationship he had with death.
Honesty April 21, 2009
Sometimes, I just want to scream at the top of my lungs, “tell me the f^@%ing truth!”
If there is one promise that I want from anyone I find myself getting close to, it is that they will be honest with me. I’m pretty sure that I make it clear how important it is to me. Yes, sometimes the truth hurts, but never as much as being lied to.
With every lie I am told, I find myself raising my guard a little bit more. And watching someone who is supposedly my friend continue a lie that I’ve already discovered makes me crazy.
Six Months April 11, 2009
It’s been too long. So much of me wants to come out through the keyboard, but I don’t know where to start. I have too much to say. I fear that a flood or maybe a hurricane lies beneath the face I have been showing to the world.
Not writing has been some sort of self imposed punishment, allowing things to build and eat away at me. If everything stays inside, it’s easier to lie to myself. Funny, considering I rank being lied to to be one of the worst things that a true friend could do. I haven’t been a very good friend to myself.
It’s time for that to change…
Prop 8 passes in California November 5, 2008
I am feeling immense relief over the result of our presidential election, but a heavy heart over the outcome of California ballot measure Prop 8. Yesterday, more Californians than not voted to reverse a California Supreme Court ruling making gay marriage legal in California. That means that the majority of people in the state I live in voted to legalize and actually make part of our constitution discrimination based on sexual preference.
Am I really living in 2008? Are the majority of people in this great state of mine actually bigots? How could this have happened?
Proponents of Prop 8 stated that they were trying to preserve “traditional marriage.” Well, if “tradition” was preserved in this country, Obama might be a slave instead of President Elect, my Japanese neighbors might be living out the rest of their lives in an interment camp, my Wiccan friend would be burned as a witch, and I would not be allowed to own my home because I am female.
Is “tradition” really what we should be fighting to preserve? “Progress” sounds a lot sweeter to me! I only hope that The California Supreme Court decides that it is illegal to make discrimination a part of our State Constitution.
Change October 29, 2008
Sometimes, people go on a journey together and that journey reaches a destination. The destination may or may not be what each wanted, but it is a destination. These people may walk away from each other with memories of this journey and never speak again. Or, they may embark on a new and different journey with a different destination. Some of these journeys take years, even decades and some, mere days. We may only embark on a single journey with a given individual or experience a lifetime of them.
I believe that, often times, people are brought into our lives or those already in our lives change roles for a reason… to lead or accompany us on a journey. I find myself at a crossroads where a number of journeys are ending and a few are just beginning (mostly facilitated through the ending of others). I haven’t found myself in a position like this since I moved to California 10 years ago. There aren’t many things that I am “in the middle of.” In some ways, this makes me sad, but I can mourn for these journeys that have reached an unsatisfactory destination and celebrate those that have come to a positive conclusion. I can also look to the future with hope.
I’m a Mommy (again) October 29, 2008
Argus
OK, before you start thinking the wrong thing, I’m a PUPPY MOMMY again. Last Tuesday, I picked up a 9 week old English Bulldog from a breeder in San Diego. He went for an entire day without a name as I wanted to get it just right. I have 3 other dogs and I had names picked out for 2 of them that I ended up changing after getting them and observing their personalities and I didn’t want to do the same thing this time.
After many hours of observing him, I decided on Argus. It has both Greek and Scandinavian derivations and means vigilant one as well as bright, shining one. In Greek mythology, Argus had 100 eyes that became the spots on a peacock’s feathers. Argus is also the brand name of a device on a parachute that should you become incapacitated or lose consciousness in freefall (or like a dumb-ass, lose altitude awareness), will deploy your reserve parachute for you automatically.
Argus is definitely a bulldog through and through. He is sweet and loving, yet stubborn as can be. He is extremely smart and already knows sit, but getting him to walk on a leash has been quite the challenge. Like any puppy, he wants to put everything in his mouth, including me. I’ve learned that for about an hour and a half in the evening, I need to keep a toy in my hand at all times and encourage him to chew on it or else he is trying to chew on me and those puppy teeth hurt. He is starting to understand “no” but is selective in choosing when to heed it. I am hoping that he learns from my other dogs and ends up being as trustworthy and well behaved as them. I have a long year ahead of me with him and he may be more of a challenge than my French Bulldogs, but I don’t think he’ll be as challenging as my Pit.
I always go through some anxiety when I get a new dog. I just want to do everything right and find a way to deal with any challenge that comes up. My challenge for this week: getting my body used to getting up every few hours to take Argus outside…..whew, am I tired! 
Goodbye Nicole October 6, 2008
Nicole
This past week has been extremely interesting for me. It made me realize something that has been creeping up on me for a while. I don’t want to be Nicole Sheridan anymore!
For those that don’t know, Nicole Sheridan is the name that I have used for the past 9 years while performing in adult movies. It has also become the character I have played at autograph signings, in interviews, at conventions, etc. I say character because that is really what it is. I remember giving my first interview after signing a contract with an adult production company and answering all the questions the way that I thought guys would want them answered, “be the fantasy,” kept echoing through my head. At autograph signings, I downplayed my intelligence, and acted the way I thought a “porn star” was supposed to act. It was fun for a while, I got to be someone completely different for that day. And, like a typical twenty something woman sufferring from self esteem issues regarding my looks and body, having professional hair and makeup done and having fans tell me how beautiful I was definitely didn’t suck. On the other hand, being judged for what I did and not who I was DID.
I don’t regret my time in the business, I just feel that it is time to move on. I can’t pretend to be someone I’m not anymore. I’m not Nicole. I don’t like anal sex. I do love giving blowjobs. The way I like to have sex isn’t like the way I have performed on camera. I will have casual sex with women in my personal life, but not men. If you are a man and I am going to be with you, I need to feel some sort of connection to you. I’ve only kissed three people in my entire life that I enjoyed kissing. I don’t mind answering questions about the business, but people should expect an honest answer… an answer they may not be expecting. At least 50% of everything I have ever said in interviews regarding myself is probably untrue.
I think that this all came about as the result of a combination of things. First, I have been slowly withdrawing from the business anyway because it is changing so much. Second, honesty has become so important to me and I have become so honest that it has become emotionally exhausting to have to pretend to be someone else. Third, I have never felt pretty or sexy as Mel. Whenever I got looks or compliments, it was always when I was I was working…being Nicole. In the past year I have realized that this isn’t healthy.
I still think I would melt if someone told me I was beautiful while hanging out in jeans and a t shirt with no makeup on, but I don’t need that. I know that I am becoming a beautiful person inside and I’d much rather have that than external beauty. When people ask, “What’s Mel like?” I would love it if the first thing people would say, would be “she’s a cool chick” or even “she’s a big dork” but I just don’t want it to be, “she’s a porn star.”
Mel
BECAUSE, I’M SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT! I like me and I want to be me and I want people to like or dislike me, not someone I’m pretending to be.
Disappointment September 29, 2008
I used to get worried when everything in my life seemed to be going really well and I was feeling really happy. I would worry myself sick over when it was all going to fall apart. Maybe I felt like I didn’t deserve it so it couldn’t last or maybe some of my mother’s pessimism just wore off on me. When bumps in the road occurred, I wasn’t surprised, I just dealt with them, already having prepared myself. As mentioned in other posts, this is something I’ve been successfully working on. Life always has test us though!
The past week has brought some serious disappointment. Disappointment with friends, loved ones, and myself. And because I have been so fully enjoying life, it hit me like a ton of bricks.
Feeling slightly overwhelmed, I broke everything down, dealing with one thing at a time. I realized that I can’t change anyone else, but I can express to them how their actions or lack thereof affect me. I can also choose not to make someone a priority when they make me an option. I can offer advice, but can’t take it to heart when it is ignored … everyone needs to do things in their own time. So far, so good. Now, on to me.
I am disappointed in myself for letting someone else’s negative energy affect my mood and for lying to myself about being able to handle a certain situation. The first is easy. I just need to be more aware when others are bringing me down and strong enough not to let it impact me. The second is a bit more difficult. I like to think that I am a pretty tough chick emotionally. Because of this, I sometimes put myself in situations that I know the tough girl I want to be could handle, but I’m not sure if I really can. I got into this one without even realizing it and I’m just not sure how to proceed. I’m not even sure what I want the end result to be.
Just the act of writing this down has helped and I’m looking forward to rainy Miami this week and the Chicks Rock Skydiving Boogie next weekend. Miserable Mel is going to sleep tonight, but Merry Mel is waking up tomorrow morning!
